


If These Walls Could Talk

by blackpink_trash_queen



Series: The SoonChan Diaries [1]
Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: Also chan passes out but i promise he doesnt get hurt, Angst, Hoshi just wants his baby to be okay, Hurt/Comfort, Insomnia, M/M, brief mentions of anxiety
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-28
Updated: 2017-07-28
Packaged: 2018-12-07 23:27:02
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,720
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11634147
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/blackpink_trash_queen/pseuds/blackpink_trash_queen
Summary: Sometimes Chan doesn't sleep.Scratch that.Chan doesn't sleep most of the time.ORChan has insomnia and everyone is worried about him.





	If These Walls Could Talk

Sometimes, Chan didn't sleep. 

It had started when he was a trainee, although it wasn’t something that happened very often, there were times when the stress and anxiety of debuting was too much and he just couldn’t sleep. But it never lasted for long, maybe a day or two, but that was it. He would be back to his normal self, running around the practice room with the others and just having fun.

But then they debuted, and it started to happen more often, and for longer periods of time.

He didn’t know why it happened. He just found that there are nights where his mind didn’t stop; when all the stress and anxiety that slowly started to build up inside of him that he's not good enough got to be too much that his mind wouldn’t stop spinning, instead keeping him awake for hours on end and only allowing him to sleep for a few hours at a time.  

He knew it wasn’t normal, that sleep was important and that he shouldn't be awake at four am staring blankly at the wall above him. But he couldn’t help it. His mind just wouldn’t  _ stop _ .

Stop thinking. Stop worrying over every little thing that he could have done better. Wouldn’t stop thinking about how worried his hyungs looked when they saw the dark circles under his eyes that morning.

He knew that they knew. It was hard to miss it really, anyone who looked at him long enough could tell that he wasn't sleeping enough. They had all been there before themselves, their schedules often times not leaving them enough time to get a proper amount of sleep.

But that usually only lasted a few days and eventually they would crash and sleep a full night and be fine.

But the thing is, Chan  _ still  _ couldn't sleep. No matter how tired he was, his body just wouldn't let him. And it was so frustrating because he wanted nothing more than to just let his body succumb to the exhaustion he felt, and each time he thought he was finally going to reach the point of sleep, his body betrayed him and jolted him back awake.

So he just laid there, his eyes heavy and sore from being open for too long and his body numb, but also heavy in a way that made his bones ache. He laid there until the sun started to rise and he knew sooner or later one of his hyungs was going to come in and find him awake and scold him for staying up. 

So he decided he would try and avoid it all together by getting up and showering. That way he could maybe fool them into thinking he had just woken up early.

He sighed as he threw his legs over the edge of his bed and stood up, his body protesting heavily, but he forced himself up anyways.

What his hyungs didn't know, wouldn't hurt them, so he trudged down the hall and into the bathroom before standing under the scalding spray of the water. Hoping that it would soothe the ache in his body enough to get him through the day without collapsing.

 

******

 

Everything hurt. Every muscle in his body ached as Chan forced himself to stay awake during their fanmeet. A forced smile gracing his face as he watched his hyungs play around on stage. A shallow laugh escaping as Joshua attempted to rap battle with Seungkwan. 

And even though he laughed, he felt nothing. He felt like he was a shell walking around all day, the eyes of his Hyungs , specifically Soonyoung and Junhui, following his every move.

He knew they were worried, could feel it in the way Jeonghan’s arm wound a little tighter than usual around his waist when they stood next to one another as Soonyoung, Seungkwan and Seokmin made a human pyramid. He felt it in the little extra squeeze Jeonghan gave as he laughed when Seungkwan almost fell. It said “ _ I'm here, and I've got you _ ” and it made Chan want to cry.

He could hear the worry in Hansol’s voice after the fanmeet was over and Chan was  sitting against the wall, his eyes stinging from the makeup that he had been wearing all day as he forced them so stay open for a little bit longer.

“Chan, you look exhausted. Do you wanna lay on the couch and rest before we have to get in the cars?” Hansol took a step closer as Chan shook his head, the motion making him stomach feel shallow.

“I’m okay, I’ll just sleep when we get to the dorm. If i sleep now I won’t be able to sleep tonight at all.” Chan gave a weak smile, trying to hide the fact that he knew he was lying, that he probably wouldn’t get any sleep even if he didn’t nap.

“Are you sure?” Hanol was now sitting next to Chan, their shoulders brushing slightly.

“Mhhm.” Chan nodded, his head now resting on Hansol’s shoulder as he waited for their manager to let them know they could leave.

He could feel multiple pairs of eyes on him but he didn’t look to see who it was. He was pretty sure he could guess at this point, knowing that it was always Soonyoung and Jeonghan watching him closely.

He knew how worried they were for him, but he didn't know how to make it any better. And it scared him, probably more than it scared his hyungs, because he knew that the stress of not sleeping was getting to him. He knew that sooner or later he was going to crash and burn out.

 

****

Car rides were slowly becoming Chan's favorite part of the day. Mostly because it was the only time he really slept, even if it was just for an hour. 

The gentle rocking of the car as it moved, paired with the closeness of his members, was the only thing that helped him relax enough to give into his need for sleep.

Even if it wasn't the most comfortable position to be pressed up against Wonwoo, Chan's head resting on his shoulder with his eyes closed, he still managed to doze off for the hour drive back to their dorm. Only waking up when Wonwoo lightly ran his hand down the younger’s cheek, not wanting to wake him fully in hopes that Chan would fall back asleep once they were inside.

“Channie, we're here. Come on, I'll get Mingyu to carry you on his back so you can go back to sleep.” Wonwoo’s voice was soft as he spoke, his eyes gentle as Chan blinked slowly at him.

“It's okay hyung, I can walk.” Chan yawned, hoping that his drowsiness would last long enough for him to just crawl into his bed and pass out.

“Are you sure?” Mingyu asked, turning around in his seat to look at the youngest, “I don't mind, you look like you're about to pass out Channie.”

Chan couldn't help the internal wince at Mingyu’s words. He knew he wasn't doing a good job of hiding it anymore, maybe he hadn't even hid it that well to begin with. But to have Mingyu say it aloud, made it real.

“I'm okay hyung promise. You guys just worry too much.” Chan tried to play off the exchange with a laugh, but it sounded too forced even to himself.

But that didn't stop Chan from hopping out of the car, losing his balance slightly as a rush of vertigo made his head spin.

His heart jumped in his chest as he felt himself sway, the only thing keeping him from falling face first being Wonwoo’s hand reaching out for his arm and pulling him back.

“Are you okay?” Wonwoo’s voice sounded off, like he was pleading with Chan to tell him something more, to tell him that he wasn't fine, that he was far from fine. But Chan couldn't do it, he couldn't make the words leave his mouth and he turned and smiled at Wonwoo.

“I'm okay! Just lost my balance for a second, but I'm fine hyung.” Chan held his breath as Wonwoo and Mingyu looked at him, hoping they would let it go without questioning him further.

He felt the anxiety in his stomach start to churn as the two of them shared a look and sighed.

“Alright, just be careful okay?” Wonwoo said, letting go of Chan's arm as the younger smiled before turning away to go inside, but not before hearing Mingyu whisper to Wonwoo.

“He's not okay hyung, I thought he was going to drop before you grabbed him.” Mingyu’s voice was laced with a fear that made Chan's breath hitch in his throat, and he was right.

If Wonwoo hadn't caught him, he would have fallen. There was no way his body would have had the strength to keep him up on its own. But he refused to let them see him fall, he didn't want them to see when he finally cracked from the weeks of not sleeping.

He didn't want them to feel bad, or blame themselves by saying things like “ _ we should have noticed sooner _ ” or “ _ we should have done more _ ” because there wasn't anything they could do.

There wasn't anything anyone could do other than wait for the inevitable to happen.

 

****

 

_ Sooyoung watched as Chan climbed out of the car, his eyes glossing over slightly before his body swayed forward.  _

_ Soonyoung felt his body react without him telling it to, already moving towards Chan as Wonwoo’s hand shot out and pulled him back up, the same panicked look on Wonwoo and Mingyu's faces that was on his. _

_ He stood and watched as Chan forced another smile, his eyes still void of the emotion, before walking away from Wonwoo and Mingyu and towards their dorm. _

_ Soonyoung watched as Chan went inside, and felt the dread that came with knowing their Channie was hurting but wouldn't let anyone help him. _

_ It made Soonyoung feel weak. He felt as weak as Chan was starting to look. _

_ He had spent weeks watching Chan get more and more exhausted. He watched as Chan picked at his food, pretending to eat until no one was watching so he could silently slip away from the table to go to his room. _

_ He watched as the other members skirted around their maknae, no one knowing what to do or say to help him. _

_ The only thing any of them could do was watch and wait for the inevitable fall out and be there to catch Chan when he needed them. _

_ He felt useless as the others slowly made their way inside, as he just stood there. His fists clenched by his side as he forced himself not to cry. He wouldn't let himself cry, because that wasn't going to help Chan. _

_ Soonyoung knew he had to be strong, he had to be strong for when Chan finally cracked so that he could help him pick up the pieces when he did. _

 

*****

 

Four days.

It had been four days since Chan slept for more than an hour and he was breaking. And he didn't know how to stop it. All he wanted was for his mind to stop just long enough to let him sleep. Even if it was just for a few hours, he would take it. He didn't know how much longer he could go before he truly snapped.

He tossed and turned in his bed, kicking his blankets off with a huff as he gave up. He let his eyes wander to door with a sigh. Maybe going for a walk to clear his mind would help. And if not, it was better than just laying there.

Chan climbed out of bed quietly and pulled on his hoodie before making his way out to the hallway and towards the front door when a sound stopped him.

He could hear Soonyoung and Seungcheol talking in the living room, their voices soft so they wouldn't wake the members that were actually sleeping. He held his breath when he realized what they were talking about.

“I'm worried about him hyung, Chan isn't sleeping and I'm scared he's going to make himself sick.” Chan could hear the worry in Soonyoung’s voice, feel it to his core, and it shook him.

“I know, but I don't know what to do to help him.” Chan could hear the sound of Seungcheol’s hand running up and down Sooyoung’s back as he spoke.

“I think it's more than just not being able to sleep. I think something's wrong, and I don't know how to get him to tell us. I just want him to be okay.” Soonyoung sighed, and Chan wanted to cry.

He was hurting his hyungs, and he didn't know how to stop it. He didn't know how to tell them that his mind would race at night with thoughts of his imperfections. He didn't know how to tell them that he laid there at night going over every little thing he could have done better that day until the anxiety was so bad all he could do was cry.

So he turned back around and went back to his room and laid down, his blanket still on the floor as he curled up on his side and cried. He cried from pure exhaustion, and for knowing he was hurting the people closest to him. But mostly he cried because he was scared and didn't know what to do anymore.

 

****

 

The next day was different, and everyone could feel how tense the air was in the practice room. 

It was like everyone was walking on glass, afraid the wrong move would shatter everything. Chan could feel their eyes on him, watching every move he made as they ran through the new choreography for their comeback.

He could hear the hushed whispers when they took a break, and he knew they were talking about him and it made him feel sick. It made his ears ring and his stomach ache knowing they were just waiting for something to happen.

He tried to ignore it, tried to focus on learning the new dance but it was getting harder and harder and the anxiety in his chest started to grow again until he felt like he couldn't breathe.

He was vaguely aware of Hansol trying to say something to him, of his hand resting on Chan's shoulder. But he couldn't hear what the other way saying.

His head was starting to spin with the thoughts of  _ not good enough. You're disappointing them. You're hurting them. They don't want you here they dont- _

Chan tried to take a deep breath as his vision became blurry, white spots swimming at the corners as the floor got closer and it took him a second to realize he was falling, and there was nothing he could do to stop it. 

Everything went white for a second and when Chan could finally take a deep breath again he was laying down, his head resting in someone's lap.  He could feel tears sliding down his cheeks, but couldn't remember why he was crying until he looked up and saw the look on Hansol’s face.

 

_ Oh. That's right.  _

 

Chan tried to sit up but was stopped by a hand on his shoulder pushing him back down. 

“You need to lay down Chan, you passed out, we already called for the manager to come and take you home so you can rest.” Jeonghan said, his voice sounding calm but Chan could hear the hint of worry in it.

“Hyung I'm oka-”

“Lee Chan don't you dare say you're okay.” It was Soonyoung who spoke this time, his voice laced with a mixture of anger and sadness, and it made Chan feel small. “You just passed out, so don't you dare try to tell us you're okay. You haven't been okay for weeks and you aren't fooling anyone.”

“Soonyoung, maybe now isn't the best time for this.” Seungcheol spoke, and Chan felt the guilt pulling at his chest.

“When is the best time then? When Chan collapses again and Hansol isn't close enough to catch him? Or when he faints on stage?” Soonyoung’s voice hitched as he tried to fight the tears he had been holding back for weeks. “I'm sorry, but Chan needs help whether he wants to admit it or not. And I'm not going to stand by and watch anymore. We need to do something before something really bad happens.”

The room went silent again, everyone holding their breath as they waited for someone to say something. Anything.

The tension built as Chan tried to make himself look as small as possible, his head turning until his face was hidden in Hansol’s thigh.

He wanted to disappear, to be anywhere but here in this moment with Soonyoung looking at him like he was a wounded puppy. Chan couldn't help that he couldn't sleep at night, and he didn't want his hyungs to know why. He didn't know how to tell them that sometimes his mind was toxic and liked to torment him, because that wasn't normal. He wasn't normal.

“I'm sorry hyung, I'll try to do better.” Chan's voice was barely a whisper as he tried to stop the tears that were trying to escape, his words shaky as he felt Hansol's hand brushing through his hair.

“Channie-”

Soonyoung was cut off by their manager coming in, the slamming of the door jarring them from their awkward silence.

“What happened? Is Chan alright?” Their manager's voice was filled with worry, his eyebrows shooting up as he took in the scene of Chan on the floor, his head in Hansol's lap, as everyone stood around them.

Chan looked up at Soonyoung, scared that he would make it sound worse than it was, but gave a small sigh of relief when Jeonghan finally spoke up.

“Chan didn't sleep very well last night, and got a little light headed during practice. We think he just needs to go back to the dorms and get some sleep.” Jeonghan’s voice sounded sure, but Chan knew he was just putting on a front, the last thing any of them wanted was for their manager to freak out and postpone their comeback, they had worked too hard to that to happen.

So they all held their breath as they waited for their manager to make a decision.

“Alright, I'll take him back, and you guys can continue practice as scheduled. Do you want someone to go with you Chan-ah?” Their manager gave Chan a soft look, having always had a soft spot for the maknae.

Chan took a second to think about it, he didn't really want to be alone right now, but he knew no matter who he asked to come with them, they would ask him what was really wrong as soon as they were alone. And the thought of that made his chest ache, and he knew the only person who would be able to help and make him feel somewhat okay would be Soonyoung. Chan knew he had been pushing him away over the last few weeks in fear that the elder would be able to see how bad Chan was getting, but right now he just needed his hyung.

“Can Soonyoung hyung come with me?” Chan's voice was barely a whisper as he pushed himself up so that he was no longer laying in Hansol’s lap. He could feel everyone looking at him, clearly shocked that he had picked Soonyoung after his outburst, but Chan knew he needed to tell someone what was wrong, even if he was still terrified they would hate him or judge him.

Chan bit his lip as he waited for Soonyoung to say something, his chest feeling tight as he resisted the urge to lean back into Hansol again.

“Yeah, I'll come with you Channie.” and just like that, some of the tension is Chan's chest loosened as Soonyoung reached his hand out to pull Chan to his feet.

His hand was warm in Chan's as he held onto to him even after he was standing, and Chan felt more tears threatening to spill out. His hyung had looked so upset and mad just a few minutes ago, and yet he was holding onto to Chan tightly, like he was afraid the younger was going to disappear if he didn't.

 

******

 

The drive back to the dorm was…. awkward. Chan sat next to Soonyoung the whole time, neither of them speaking, but Soonyoung never let go of his hand. He kept their fingers interlaced in between them as their manager drove, as they got out of the car, all the way until they were standing in the doorway of their dorm. It was only then that Soonyoung finally let go of Chan’s hand. 

“Do you wanna take a shower before the others get back? I can make us some food if you want?” Soonyoung sounded hesitant as he spoke, and it made Chan nervous. It made him feel like he was in trouble with his team leader.

“Yeah…” Chan nodded slowly, waiting for Soonyoung to turn and walk to the kitchen before making his way to the bathroom.

He didn't bother locking the door with just Soonyoung home, not that he would have if the others had been home either. They always shared showers and bathroom time, so it didn't really make sense to lock it.

Chan took a minute to look at himself in the mirror and he saw what the others had earlier. He saw the dark circles under his eyes, the ones that even their stylists were having trouble hiding. He saw how much more pale he looked than he normally did, and his more prominent collar bones from not eating enough.

He looked like walking death, and it shocked him. He knew that his anxiety and lack of sleep was affecting him mentally, but he hadn't realized how much it had begun to affect him physically. He hasn't realized it had gotten this bad, but he didn't know what to do to stop it. How could someone stop the thoughts in their own mind?

Chan took his time showering, it wasn't often that they got to take long showers by themselves with there being thirteen of them. So he stood there and let the hot water soothe his too sore muscles, and help him clear his mind.

He could vaguely hear Soonyoung cooking in the kitchen, and he knew that the elder was going to want to talk when he was done with his shower. But he still didn't know what to say.

He knew that he couldn't avoid it for much longer, not after what happened earlier. So he turned the water off and reached for his towel. Quickly drying his hair before wrapping it around his waist and walking to his room.

Chan took his time drying off and putting his clothes his. Digging through his closet for his favorite hoodie , the one with a giant star on the chest, before slipping it over his head. The gentle warn in fabric was comforting against his skin as he stood in the middle of his room, the sound of Soonyoung’s footsteps coming towards the door making his chest clench in anticipation.

Chan held his breath as the door opened, the look on Soonyoung’s face when he saw Chan standing there catching him off guard. 

He had been prepared for Soonyoung to look angry, but instead he just looked… sad, and disappointed. Like Chan’s pain was hurting him too.

“Chan, we need to talk. I need you to tell me what’s going on, and don’t even try to tell me that you’re okay, or that this is nothing. Because we both know that that’s not true. And neither of us are leaving this room until this is resolved.” Chan felt his chest tighten at Soonoung’s words, at the hurt in his voice as he looked at Chan with eyes that were sad and scared.

Chan could feel tears already filling his eyes and threatening to spill as Soonyoung continued to look at him, his gaze unwavering. And he couldn’t hold it back any longer, not with Soonyoung looking at him with sadness and fear in his eyes, like he was worried Chan was going to drop at any second.

“Hyung I-” Chan could feel a lump rising in his throat and he took a breath to steady himself, “I'm sorry hyung. I didn't mean to make everyone worry so much.I just don’t know what to do, and I can’t sleep at night and it’s getting worse and the only way I can fall asleep is when I’m just too exhausted to stay awake any longer or when someone is right next to me, like in the car. And I don’t know what to do hyung.” 

Chan couldn't bring himself to look at Soonyoung, he already knew the pitying look of worry that would be on the elder’s face. All he could do was stand there, his chest aching with the urge to wrap his arms around Soonyoung’s waist and bury his face in the older boy’s chest, the same way he used to do when they were still trainees and Chan needed someone to comfort him. But he didn’t, neither of them moved as they stood there in silence, the air around them growing thick with unsaid words as Chan bit at his lips.

He could feel his palms starting to sweat and his breathing stutter slightly as he waited for Soonyoung to say something, or do something. At this point, Chan didn't know if he preferred the silence or the way Soonyoung had yelled earlier. At least when he was yelling Chan knew what he was thinking and that was better than standing there and thinking about what Soonyoung could be thinking like how disappointed he was or -

“I'm sorry Channie,I didn’t, I didn’t know. I shouldn’t have yelled at you for something you can’t control, that wasn’t fair of me. I’m so sorry Chan.” Soonyoung’s voice was thick and heavy as he wrapped his arms around Chan’s neck, the weight of his body pulling them down until they were kneeling on the floor. “I’m so sorry I didn’t notice sooner and that you’ve been hurting by yourself.”

“It’s not your fault hyung, I’m the one who-”

“It’s not your fault either Chan, there is nothing wrong with you so don’t even try to blame yourself. You have nothing to be sorry for.” Soonyoung kissed the top of Chan’s head, his arms pulling him in tighter. “ Your hyungs should have noticed that something was wrong, that’s our job. And I’m sorry we didn’t and that we didn’t ask you if you were okay sooner.”

“I just don’t know what to do to be okay again. Everytime I’m alone with my own thoughts, it’s like they’re trying to drown me and I can’t get away from them.” Chan sucked in a deep breath, letting the familiar scent of Soonyoung fill his lungs.

“It’s okay to be not okay sometimes Channie, but you don’t have to be alone okay? You can always come to one of us, and we’ll do whatever we can to help. Even it all we can do is be with you so you don’t feel like you’re alone.” Soonyoung pulled back to look at Chan, his fingers wiping the tears from his face. “You’re my Channie, and I’ll do whatever I can to help you get better okay?”

Chan could feel the lump in his throat returning as he looked up at Soonyoung, the sincerity of his words making him feel warm, even though the tightness in his chest was still there, he didn’t feel like it was going to suffocate him right now.

“Will you stay with me at night? I don’t like, I don’t like sleeping alone.” Chan’s voice was soft, afraid to say this simple thing out loud in fear of being judged. He was supposed to be an adult now, he shouldn’t need someone to sleep with him anymore. But he did. He just wanted someone to lay close to him when his own thoughts threatened to destroy him so that he had something solid to hold onto.

“Of course I will, if that’s what you want and it’ll help you sleep I’ll stay with you for as long as you want.” Soonyoung said, pressing his cheek to the top of Chan’s head as he hugged him close.

“Hyung, I’m tired.” Chan whispered as he pressed his face into Soonyoung’s chest again, his arms wrapping tighter around Soonyoung to anchor himself. And this was all he needed right now, someone to hold onto and keep him afloat when he was drowning in his own thoughts.  

“Come on, let’s go to bed. The others will be home soon, but if we hurry I can sneak you into my bed by the window like we used to.” Soonyoung rubbed his hand up and down Chan’s back before pulling away, a smile on his face as Chan reached for his hand and laced their fingers together, giving a gentle squeeze to reassure Chan that he was there, and wasn’t going to let go.

“I’d like that hyung. We haven’t done that in a while.” Chan smiled, and for the first time he didn’t feel like he was faking it. He was genuinely smiling at the idea of curling up in his hyung’s bed and the knowledge that Soonyoung would stay with him.

And he did. Soonyoung stayed with him as they brushed their teeth together, their hands still linked in between them, only separating when Soonyoung changed out of his clothes and into boxers and a t shirt, but quick to find each other again as they climbed into Soonyoung’s bed.

Soonyoung let Chan climb in first, knowing that the younger boy liked to sleep next to the window, before climbing in behind him, his arm slipping over his waist and pulling him close so that he could feel Chan’s breathe on his neck.

“Hyung, will you play with my hair, like you used to?” Chan whispered, his lips so close to Soonyoung’s neck he could almost feel them brushing his skin.

“Of course Channie.” Soonyoung smiled, his eyes closed as he let his fingers gently run through Chan’s hair, humming softly as the younger pressed his face closer to his neck and took a deep breath, the familiar feeling of his mind racing filling him with anxiety as he wrapped his hands up in the material of Soonyoung’s shirt.

Before he could even think about it, Chan was crying again, and telling Sooyoung everything. How his thoughts kept him awake at night, how the tightness in his chest got worse when he was alone and it made it hard to breathe.

He told Soonyoung how sometimes he didn’t feel like he was good enough and it made him sick to his stomach when the others praised him, because he didn’t feel like he deserved it. He didn’t feel like he worked any harder than any of the other members, so when they told him he was so good for spending so much time practicing, or for spending a few extra hours learning new lyrics, he felt like he didn’t deserve it. Any of it.

And he didn’t stop until there were no more words to say, everything that had been pulling him down into his own world finally out in the open, all his tears finally shed as he took a deep breath.

“My little Channie, our precious maknae, thank you for telling me all of that. I know that wasn’t easy. And I promise we’ll do better to make you feel like you deserve our praise, because you do. You’ve grown so much in the last two years and we are all so proud of the person you’ve become Chan.” Soonyoung’s voice was soft, his fingers never stopping as they played with Chan’s hair. “We love you so much, and we just want you to be happy.”

Chan sucked in a deep breath, his face burying further into Soonyoung’s neck.

“Thank you Soonyoungie hyung. For everything.” Chan whispered, his eyes closed as he listened to Soonyoung’s soft hums, his breathing and mind finally settling enough for him to fall asleep.

He knew this wasn’t going to magically make everything okay overnight, that it wouldn’t be that easy. He knew he had a long way to go before he was going to be okay again, but for now, he let himself revel in the gentle touch of Soonyoung’s fingers in his hair, and his arm wrapped around him. Sleep finally claiming him for the first time in days.

 

*******

Soonyoung was vaguely aware of the front door opening, his eyes closed as he held Chan tightly, his heart heavy with the things Chan had finally told him. He was angry at himself for not seeing it sooner, and for not letting Chan know that he could come to him. But he knew he would have to forgive himself, and be there for Chan to do everything he could do to help him. He was their baby after all, and it was their job to take care of him and make sure he knew he was loved. 

Soonyoung turned when he heard the bedroom door open, Jeonghan and Hansol’s heads leaning in to look for them.

“Is he asleep?” Jeonghan whispered, a worried look in his eyes.

 

“Yeah, he is.” Soonyoung said, his voice barely a whisper but he knew they could hear him because they both smiled softly. 

“Is he gonna be okay hyung?” Hansol asked, the worried look coming back to his eyes.

Soonyoung took a second before answering, looking down at Chan as he breathed in and out, his face looking younger as he slept peacefully.

“Yeah, he’s gonna be okay.” Soonyoung smiled, because he knew that even though it was going to take some time, and there were going to be rough spots on the way, Chan was going to be okay. And they were all going to be there to help him along the way.

 

**Author's Note:**

> Hiiii~ thank you for reading this mess. 
> 
> A lot of this comes from person experiences with my own insomnia, and the struggles ive had with it.  
> That being said, insomnia is very serious so if you think you might be suffering from it please please talk to a doctor so they can help. Sleep is important kiddos. 
> 
> Also a huge thank you to jessie for being my beta and editing this hot mess. 
> 
> Feel free to yell at me in the comments 
> 
> :3


End file.
